Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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