it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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