My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
