I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
