the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
