I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
