My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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