Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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