OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
A bitchslap is in order.
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