I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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