im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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