Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
