I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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