I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
In other news, I just burned my penis
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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