My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
