Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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