so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
