Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize