Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
