I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
