You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I want a musical about memes.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
