So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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