Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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