i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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