I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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