Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
