my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
