I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
