Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
