WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
