i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
