Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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