if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
