Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize