Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
