I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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