I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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