Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
