This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize