I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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