seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
