Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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