first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
