I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I want her autograph on my taint
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize