When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
