it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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