got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
