I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
