I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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