We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
