I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
