I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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