please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
it's like heaven, but drunker
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Who died my cat blue again?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
