My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize