The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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